“Laughter, song and dance create emotional and spiritual connection; they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration or healing: We are not alone.” The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (p. 118)
On Tuesday morning, Mum and I joined along with the local walking group at Balla Balla Community Centre in Cranbourne East. Even at 9.30-10am, the temperature was already rising up to the mid-20’s and I could feel myself starting to sweat down my back. We went for an hour long walk around Casey Fields reserve and back again. I was feeling a bit socially disconnected and emotionally flat today, though getting some exercise and being out in nature did help a little.
I guess life can get pretty overwhelming for me sometimes and I can really only handle looking into the future in short-term bursts. My biggest concern is trying to find a sense of belonging with others. Financially, I’m only just getting by at the moment and writing out lists of expenses has really helped me. I have to break everything down into small, manageable components when it comes to bills and payments that are due. I just have to take one day at a time and believe that I will get through this.
On Tuesday night, I went down to YMCA Casey RACE for a Water Workout class and some hydrotherapy. This time I decided to be more prepared and brought along a drink bottle. I also decided to split my time up evenly between the steam room, spa and sauna. Of the three. the sauna is hands down the most mentally challenging for me. I’m still not used to the conditions of 70-100 degree dry heat, feeling my heart-rate elevating and trying to keep myself relaxed and hydrated. I know my limits and 10 minutes was more than enough for me tonight. But with more regular visits, I’m sure that my body will tolerate the heat easier. https://www.livestrong.com/article/…
Tonight’s Water Workout class with facilitated by an instructor named Susie and it was packed with about 18 people participating. We used a combination of noodles and underwater dumbbells in parts of the class. I found it difficult keeping my balance and co-ordination in check tonight but I was still doing my best and laughing along with the rest of the ladies. We did the usual exercises of jogging, donkey kicks, rock ‘n’ roll, side and back kicks, jumping, running on the spot and push-ups on the edge of the pool. https://www.livestrong.com/article/…
On Wednesday morning, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. It’s not secret that I wasn’t myself today at all. Even with that false veneer on my face, it wasn’t enough to mask how I was truly feeling inside. Though I did receive a couple of friendly greetings from the trainers, my self-esteem was just far too low for it to make a positive impact on me. But I made the effort to be here so that’s something.
WARM-UP…Today I started with my Y-T-I stretches on the bench before massaging into the shoulders, lats and collar bones with the rubber ball. The awkward tension between myself and Luke had returned and I wasn’t coping well with it at all. In fact, my mind was having a field day (Why haven’t I got anything exciting to talk to Luke about? Clearly he must think I’m boring. He barely cracks a smile whenever he’s training me).
DEVELOPMENT…Today I worked on doing 5 rounds of 12 reps, dumbbell presses at 30kg as well as 5 rounds of 8 single arm rows at 22.5kg. I was struggling heaps today and my fragile mental state certainly wasn’t helping matters. I was getting myself really upset and frustrated especially after the third round or so. The fatigue in my arms was just too much to handle and I kept dropping the weights. It was embarrassing. I was thinking “What’s wrong with me today? I feel like a failure.” But the positive was that I kept trying over and over again until I finished those reps.
WORKOUT…Today I did a 10 minute AMRAP of the following exercises: 200m run, 5 ring rows, 10 push ups and 15 squats. I was already shaking and fatigued from the dumbbell presses that I really didn’t know how long I was going to last with this workout. It was another tough mental battle for me but I basically did what I could. I don’t think Luke knows exactly how to handle me whenever I’m feeling depressed like I was today. And it’s not his fault at all. Just wasn’t my best session today. Hopefully the next one will be better.
On reflection, perhaps Luke was right in saying that my performance wasn’t as bad as my negative mental state was making out. I really did nail my ring rows and squats during the workout. I think that I am gradually improving overall with the push-ups. I just think that I need more practice and more confidence in doing them. Hence why Luke decided to set me some homework in doing 3 rounds of 10 push-ups. It’s the only way I’m going to get better at doing them and not have so much fear about failing reps. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf…
On Thursday lunchtime, I went to an RPM class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. There comes a point when I’m home by myself that I simply can’t cope and I physically need to get out of the house for the sake of my sanity. So I decided to do just that and gave myself some “me-time” at Casey Arc with half an hour of hydrotherapy and half an hour of RPM cycling. Considering how I’ve been feeling this week, I really need to look after myself better and implement self-care strategies back into my routine.
The RPM class was pretty small with only about 6-8 people but I wasn’t surprised being lunchtime. It was technically an express class…so five tracks instead of the usual seven or eight. But that’s also meant an increase in intensity. There were a couple of tracks that involved Interval Training (Chicane – Poppiholla) and some more easy ride/medium intensity tracks (Katy Perry – Teenage Dream). I could feel the burn in my knees, thighs and glutes pretty quickly today but I did what I could, averaging around 78-80 RPM. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/f…
On Friday morning, I had my potentially last ever session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. Things started off on a high note. I walked into UFT PLAYgrounds with a positive attitude, feeling optimistic about today’s session and saying hi at the trainers as I got myself ready. But things quickly descended from there. I tried hard to explain to Luke what was on my mind but it felt like everything fell on deaf ears. He wasn’t understanding me at all and that’s not really his fault. Even I know how complicated and hard to figure out I am. I just set my expectations far too high and walked away feeling emotionally exhausted and misunderstood.
WARM-UP…So the start of my session actually went pretty well. I did various yoga stretches and holds for 2 minutes each including camel pose, cobra pose and scorpion pose. I reminded myself to breathe into the areas that were sore and embrace that discomfort. I decided to think about how ridiculous Kameron from the Real Housewives of Dallas looked in her bright pink vest and huge Louis Vuitton handbags which helped me to get through the pain.
DEVELOPMENT…Today I did 5 rounds of 12 front squats at 40kg. I was struggling a lot at the start as the bar kept slipping off my shoulders and put a lot of pressure on my wrists. And of course because I wasn’t doing it right, I started to get really hard on myself. Plus my mind was just overwhelmed by thoughts…mostly about what Luke thinks about me, whether I’m a good enough client, have I done anything wrong, does he even care about me. There’s been an obvious shift during the last couple of weeks and now I just can’t handle it anymore.
WORKOUT…Today’s workout involved a 100 calorie sprint on the assault bike. It was pretty tough but manageable. I wisely try to keep to a steady, consistent pace the whole time so that I didn’t burn out too quickly. As much as I was proud of this achievement, I still walked away from the session feeling empty and upset. I asked myself the most important question…”Is training with Luke doing my emotional well-being any good?” Nope!
So I basically decided then and there that I needed to take a break from him. It’s not his fault, it’s just not working for me anymore and I’m not enjoying it. Maybe I need to move on. Who knows? I’m not going to make any rash decisions right now. But I do know that continuing the way I am is not doing my mental health any good.
“So never look back, go where you’re going to. I waited a lifetime for you. So cut me some slack, I wanna see all of you. I never hold back from the truth.” Liam Gallagher – I Get By (2017)
“There’s no time for looking back. Thanks for all your support. Slow down, all things must pass. Take your time, know the score. It’s not goodbye. So dry your eyes. Come rain or shine. I’ve all I need and more.” Liam Gallagher – I’ve All I Need (2017)