I’m actually going to begin this blog in a different place than usual…digging into the layers of my childhood. When I was about 4-5 years old, I had several speech therapy sessions over the period of several months. In many ways, these must have been successful considering as shy as I am, I can speak pretty fluently. The problem is this may have contributed to my self-consciousness, depression and social anxiety issues.
During kindergarten and primary school, I was finding ways to draw attention to myself, which lead to me getting into trouble. I would be starting fights and imitating characters from TV shows that I watched as a kid. Obviously, these were mechanisms in dealing with my loneliness and issues with fitting in with classmates. I believe it’s why I’ve become so self reliant and used to my own company as I’ve had years of experience with it. Such issues have transcended through to adolescence and now adulthood but at the same time I’ve grown in some ways and remained childlike in others.
The absence of my father has also been a major factor in the way I’ve developed as a person. With my mum being the only constant and stable parental figure in my life up until now, I’ve had to seek other versions of father figures to deal with male related issues. You’re not always going to like all the cards you get dealt and I’ve really had to learn to accept that. Other things like having close friends and being popular have also stemmed deep from my childhood years and remained with me on some level. Those ideals have less significance as I’ve re-focused on what actually is important in my life and being increasingly more grateful of the things in my life already in existence.
Being Mother’s Day today, I’ve been reflecting on such things and I honestly believe that my closeness to my mum has helped shape my emotions and feelings as well as my determination and goal setting abilities. I couldn’t be more proud of her for trying her hand at many different jobs and supporting our family in tough times both financially and medically. I love her and think about her every single day no matter how consumed I am by uni study and work. Giving birth to me at 19, she’s had to learn and grow up extremely fast of which I relate. I feel like I’ve been a late bloomer myself in that I’ve matured at a slower rate that most people and even at 27 years old, I’m still finding my feet and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.
I know this has been a very personal and revealing blog but honestly it’s my life and now I’m not afraid of being open. In the past, I was much more reserved and hesitant about letting people into my life and now I’m beginning to lay my cards on the table. Why should I have to hide things that are nothing but truth? I copped a lot of flack for writing stuff about my dad in a Father’s Day blog and even now do not regret writing it. This is me, like it or lump it 😉
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